A Letter to my Husband: On Our Wedding Day

The pastor who married my husband and I has a tradition with his couples: he has them write letters to each other to be read aloud during the ceremony. He likes the couple to tell each side of their love story and welcome all of the guests to a deeper understanding of what brought them to that very celebration. Over three years later, guests still comment on how much they enjoyed that piece of our ceremony, and I have to say, it was incredibly special for my husband and I as well.

For those interested in a snapshot of our story, here is what I wrote in my letter to my husband, which was read during our ceremony.

[All photos in this post were taken by the incredible Catie Watkins of Catherine Leanne Photography]

www.catherineleanne.com

When I think about my past dating experiences before I met you, I can’t help but feel the widest range of thoughts and emotions possible. My heart has been through a lot in its short 25 years. During my high school and early college years, I would dive head-first into any glimmer of a relationship. The slightest hint of attention, and I was planning a future. I quickly realized the damage I was causing and became more discerning (or perhaps calloused). But as each opportunity at love seemed to be more valid than the previous, I would try​ just one more time. Each time I thought it would be the last time, just to have it crumble yet again and leave me more devastated than the time before. After a very brief and downright stupid relationship during the summer after graduating from college, I was so annoyed with men and convinced they were all the same. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, and I decided no one would want to date me until I was better anyway, so there was no point in putting myself out there. Although I secretly longed for my fairytale, I also secretly enjoyed the excuse to prevent any vulnerability.

Throughout my life God has shown me over and over and over again that His plans and His timing look so different from mine. In my mind, I was going to take my year off from school, work a few jobs, take more classes, focus on my health, and then go off to nursing school and meet a man there to eventually marry years down the road once everything else was picture perfect. It was easy to think of dating someone years down the road because I didn’t have to face my insecurities in the here and now. But then you happened. The cliche is so true - I found love when I wasn't looking for it at all. In fact I tried pushing love away, pushing you away, because I thought for sure that you would be on your way as soon as I let you in. Exactly one week before we met, I sat at Selina's kitchen table in her little Seattle studio and told her how I wanted to be in love but just felt as though I needed to wait. I flew back home feeling sick from my antibiotics only to realize the next day my throat was swollen and I could only swallow liquids and very soft foods. The swelling lasted a full week, and then I met you, and I pretended I was totally normal just so I could have one night of innocent flirting with the super cute guy at the party. At least that's all I thought it was. But for some odd reason you decided to pursue the crazy girl who openly talks about bodily functions.

I kept you at an arm’s distance for a solid month, certain you would move on from the inconvenience. You asked me out on our first date and I literally said to you, “if you want to get to know me, I’m going to make you work for it.” But you stayed and you persisted. I agreed to a first date, certain you would bail once you knew I was working three jobs with not a lot of free time, but you stayed and you worked around my schedule. I was certain you would bail once you knew I would be moving for nursing school, but you stayed and embraced the distance. I continued to agree to dates, but I wouldn't let myself fall for you because I was certain you would bail once you knew I was battling Lyme disease and going through the toughest portion of my treatment, but you stayed and fought my battle with me. I was certain you would bail once you experienced my anxiety first hand, but as we were driving through the streets of Berkeley on a sunny Saturday morning, you pulled the car over and you stayed, and you loved me right there in that moment and in every single moment since the one in which we met, with no conditions or expectations.

Two and a half months into our relationship, you told me you love me for the first time. I was taken by surprise, but I excitedly reciprocated. That same night we sat at A Cote and scarfed down truffle fries while waiting for our dinners. I made a joke about how the girls in my small group were asking if you’re “the one” and I thought it was absurd that they would even ask that so soon. “Isn’t that crazy? Those girls are crazy...” You grinned, and with the most sincere eyes told me, “I tell everyone you’re the one.” I immediately lost my appetite and put down the fry in my hand, to which you said “I thought you were starving..” I replied “You just told me you’re going to marry me!! Nope, it’s too soon, you don’t know that, you don’t know me.” You continued to grin and reassured me of your confidence, but also gave me the grace to not be on the same page as you. “Just keep saying yes to my dates, that’s all I ask.” Through your unwavering love, patience, and consistency, I slowly came around to the idea that maybe you are actually for real. But even up until the week before we got engaged, I still wouldn’t tell people that you’re “the one” for fear of you leaving. I always believed you when you said that you loved me, however my scars told me that you could change your mind whenever you wanted. But as you got down on one knee and said my full name and asked me to marry you, the weight of never-ending love and acceptance hit me like a freight train and my disbelief was shattered.

Our engagement has been my favorite stage of life thus far, and I am over the moon excited for what our marriage will bring. Bob, you are all I ever wanted love to be. You’re the only one who’s ever fought for me and made me believe that I was actually worth it. You chose me even when I was unsure about choosing you. You found parts of me that I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was possible. You’ve given me a love that doesn’t demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. With you I can be at my absolute weakest and not feel as though I am. You knew how hard long distance was for me, and rather than criticizing me for it, you talked with me on the phone ​every single day​, sometimes multiple times a day, and often late into the evening. Instead of taking advantage of my vulnerability, you take care of it and allow me to be safe within it. I am so thankful that the Lord brought me you to be my perfect partner. ​​The way that you love me allows my heart to thrive. You make me laugh harder, smile bigger, and feel more deeply than I ever have before. I've never met anyone so gracious, dedicated, hospitable, patient, or loyal. You're a bold leader, a wise companion, and the most genuine soul.You've taken the time to get to know me in my truest form and you've embraced everything that I am and all that I aspire to be. You allow me to be me without question, seen and appreciated in my own essence. Today I officially join my life with yours, and I am completely confident that no matter what may come, we will persevere together as we fix our eyes on Christ and seek to love and serve each other as He loves us. I can’t wait for more big adventures with you, but also for trips to the grocery store, slow dances wherever we are, hysterical laughter at nothing, strolls on the beach, and holding hands with you whenever I want. Thank you for making even the smallest event contain so much value. I’m ecstatic to be your bride. I love you Bob, thank you for choosing to love me too.